Journey to finding myself

I am becoming more comfortable with the idea that I may have ASD. The calm that I feel is something I've never felt in my life. Finally something that feels like it fits. I'm in the process of getting a formal diagnosis via saving all my money.

I've been contacting autism society and organizations for about 2weeks. Cant seem to find anywhere that will do it at a lower cost to me, or for free. I'm going to assume I'll be paying 3k, if I dont thats good for me, if I do I'll be ready.  I'm really nervous about this. In fact i was rocking last night. I feel this is the right diagnosis.

Getting Diagnosed as an Adult with ASC

            Wow, my journey started 1 year and two months ago when I started reading that daredevil fanfiction. It wasn't tagged #autism, but daredevil seems to have a lot of SPD issues. The thing that mostly caught my eye was the character walking on his toes. I always walked on my toes from a very young age, I knew it was strange, but I personally didn't think anything of it. The author of this fanfiction gave a lot of resources she used in her story and I read them. I'm not sure when I got more into autism research and less into the story, but that's what happened. Suddenly I was fascinated. So many of these symptoms sounded like. Hating loud crowds, sounds. Unusual startle responses. Aversion to lights, rocking and weaving. The list could go on and on.
                 Then I got into the communicative portion of the research and I understood that I was autistic.I was reminded of my failures growing up. The bullying. The isolation. I was a social pariah. The only crowd of people I could make friends with were also people who were socially outcasted. The very first youtuber I started actively watching was Amethyst "Neurowonderful". Their videos were the key to everything. The reason I took this path at all. I suddenly knew what sensory overload was, and why at crowded restaurants i felt irritable and dizzy and tired.
                    
                       For a long time I didn't know what to do with this new found information. I asked some friends if they thought I might be on the spectrum and none of them thought so.  This was disheartening. I asked my sisters and they both agreed it was possible. My husband wasn't on my side. Most people I asked said only a professional could diagnose you, and me "self" diagnosing was problematic.  I never claimed to self diagnosed, but apparently even wondering if you might be autistic warrants the title of self diagnosed.

                     I read a book called nerdy, shy and socially inappropriate. That really confirmed how I felt. The deeper I got, the more annoyed my husband became. I discovered facebook groups and tumblr. I bought my very first fidget toys. I was on my way. It took me over a year to make my appointment because I wanted to find a place that took my insurance that also wasn't associated with autism speaks(which is hard is Texas). I also really hate to make phone calls, I forget often to make these phone calls, and I had a full-time job that didn't allow me to make phone calls on the clock. So yeah, it took me a year and 2 months to finally get to see someone. Eventually I did. I was so surprised they were versed in adult diagnosis and female presentation.
     
                   I thought that maybe my testing was too little that they didn't see enough. But in the end they did and I was diagnosed with autism along with many other comorbid mental health issues that come along for the ride like depression and anxiety.  I have self confidence I never had before.  A peace with myself my mom always told me I needed to have. This discovery in myself has changed my entire outlook on life. My thoughts are not congruent and I'm not a professional writer. I do want to write more about my life, but not in this post.

At 28.8 years of life, I was diagnosed with autism. And for now lets leave it at that.

Autism Spectrum

Hey, haven't been on here in years. It's bad, I forget about this website then come back and regret ever leaving. But today I am here to tell you something. I might be autistic. The funny way I came to this conclusion was because of a daredevil fanfiction I was reading where Matt is on the spectrum. As I read on the more curious I got. The author was very well researched and probably has some personal experiences. I was amazed how many characteristics of autism I had, and how many I've had for as long as I could remember.

My main stim is toe walking and rocking. Stims I stopped doing because I noticed people looking at me weird was hitting myself
I compiled a list of things I think would get me a positive diagnosis.

• Walking on my toes because I hated how the floor felt on the soles of my feet
• needing my fiance to force me to try new foods
• the bathroom and stove fan driving me up a wall, same with lawn mowers. I think its that low humm i hate. its a really uncomfortable sound that i need to stop immediately otherwise i get pissy
• I have always had a hard time making and keeping friends
• I have a hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings verbally without sounding like an idiot
• I need plans, i love them. I just suck at making them.
• I hate to travel....i also hate driving but idk if thats related
• Replaying the same verse of a song over and over and over for hours
• strong smells put me off
• I can hear the smallest sounds in my apartment, but often can't seem to hear when my fiance is talking right next to me. I remember as a kid getting my hearing tested often to find out my hearing was fine
• Was extremely dyslexic and had speech problems as a child
• I suffer with social anxiety and depression and regular ol' anxiety :/
• social activities make me anxious, loud places are over stimulating. I get snappy when out for too long
• social makes me feel drained
• the fabrics used to make sweaters drive me crazy. I cannot wear them no matter how "soft and comfortable" someone tells me they are
•  I get over heated easily or cold easily
• chewing on my hair is nice
• standing and rocking from side to side
• at work i rock in place, kick my legs out while holding the counter. constantly popping my knuckles. my box cutter can slide up and down and it clicks so i do that.
•  generally less stressed at home
• being completely obsessed with a subject. I rarely keep the same interest but sometimes i go back to the same ones and research and learn the hell out of it all over again.

There are stims I did as a kid that I rarely ever do now

• pressing my fingers into my eyes while they're closed so when i open them i can see the colors
• staring into lights so i can see the colors change and the little bright light move 
• plugging my ears and making Zzzzzz sounds or humming
• banging my head against the wall
• hitting myself in the head to get the buzzing out

I dont know if its autism related, but i like to speak in a childish voice.

Well I'm done rambling. good night world
 I'm going to seek diagnosis soon wish me luck

Adventure Called Diabetes

So yesterday was rather eventful. My bloodsugars would not go down to save my life, literally. I had to manually inject several times....I woke up at 7am they were 450 O_O can you believe i slept through that? I didnt get it down to 125 until 10pm. Sigh!!

Anywho I did manage to make something new

If anyone can recognize her you're my hero. If not this is Valentine from Skullgirls. She my favorite character to play and I kind of wish they had her in my shade of brown. Currently Going to be CGing her in photoshop :D I'm excited. I haven't done anything in photoshop like this in a long while.

Wish me luck hope to hear from you soon. Stay tuned for the finished piece.

General thought that woke me from dead sleep

Today I was getting up to use the restroom as any diabetic would know is dire. I got into my bed and started googling random things. How to make my business more successful. I have not got the audience I thought I would have as you can see from my last entry I havent been on in a year. When I moved to Corpus I thought everything would be gravy and fine. Thought I would have the best times of my life here. Little did I know the worsening of my impending depression started. I fell off radar for a long time.

Generally I was just creating to make myself feel good, I still do with others in mind now. Or I wasnt creating at all. For those of you who know how depression works, not making art made me even more depressed than I already was. Last year I lost my mother tragically. It's the kind of pain you sears into your very existence. I was never that close to her, but it hurt none the less. So what's an artist to do?

I bought myself a pair of shorts and a tank top and started working out. Working out  hard, everyday. I started feeling good, then I stopped. I would start up again. I didn't work out hard enough and long enough to see the results I wanted to see.  Now  dont get me wrong compared to 2013-14 I am way more fit. Exercising gave me something to do, a way to take care of myself.

As the months rolled by little by little I started making more art. I had just got done watching TeenWolf and I was making a lot of fanart for that show. I had bought my first acrylic paints. I also learned last year that acrylic paints do not blend very well. They are cheap and fun, but not what I was looking for. I wanted to teach myself how to paint. I spent hours looking at tutorials on pinterest, facebook, youtube, google. If anyone is interested, I keep all my art good or bad on FaceBook. You can actually see my progress. Right now I would never consider myself a master, but Ive gotten pretty decent.

Portraits have always been my favorite thing to draw, I love to people watch, love how their bodies work. Never been much of a doodler, so that is something I am currently working on, just lines, swirls, flowers for no apparent reason, put onto paper. I often find myself wondering what would make my fans happy. To this day I'm still unsure. I figure throwing in a little fanart, a little abstract, some oil paintings, some watercolor paintings.

But to the point: I just want to let the world know I am learning, and trying. I will be making more efforts in my endeavor to be known. To make a difference. Make my mark even if its just in one city. At least someone will know I was here.

Been Working Very Hard Lately

I've made it a goal to start selling my art by 6 months of marketing and broadening my audience. I've read, listened and asked so many artist for opinions, for guidance. I have art people love, now to get them to buy right? Wish it were that easy. I have been an artist for about 14 years now and I haven't sold one piece yet. That's going to change though. Hopefully with the help of you. Every one of you who reads this I just want you to get my artwork out there. Show it off, share, talk it up. It only takes a minute to Share this or any of my future post to facebook and you have helped me to achieve my goals. Someday I want my art hanging in a gallery, hanging in a Starbucks, in the homes of friends, family, clients, friends of friends. I even want to give some away for charity, raise money for charities.

So here are my links
My Facebook page

My Youtube

Curry!

The curry that I made up as I went along....
Well I started this idea the night before. I know I had shrimp, curry powder, tomato and tomato sauce, and I didn't have any kind of milk or dairy at home. The next day I took the shrimp and a package of frozen onion and bell pepper stir fry out of the freezer....I was trying to figure out how to do this.

This is the curry powder I used. Got it from the farmers market here in town. The label says its Indian Curry if anyone is wondering.

Ingredients used:

• 1 roma tomato
• a good amount of the onions from the stir fry freezer pack
• garlic powder
• paprika 
• two handfuls of cooked frozen shrimp
• rice
• fresh spinach
• canned black beans(found in mexican aisle at the store)
• spaghetti sauce 
• salt

First I fried the roma tomato and onions for a little bit, I sprinkled it with garlic powder, added a touch of water. After that started smelling wonderful I added the spinach leafs which I ripped up a little and the spaghetti sauce. I let that simmer a little then I added paprika, and the curry powder. I am never shy with the curry powder, so you shouldn't be either!

I let that cook for about 5minutes and added salt, then tasted it to make sure it wasn't bland. I ran my shrimp under a bit of hot water and took the tails off. I added them to the curry mix as well. OH! I started my rice at the very beginning of this process... anyways, I let the curry mixture cook for about 8minutes or so. Till I felt it was ready, turned the heat down to low-medium(4 on my dial). The rice was pretty much done as well.

 I'm sure there are better ways to go about making curry, but I was extremely happy with the results and it tasted great to me. Ill be having more of it later today!